Dear Bastard,

Thank you so much for smashing the window of my car. I've met so many new people this morning, all of them saying "I think someone has tried to break into your car". They are all wrong, of course, since you didn't even open the door. Clearly you just needed to smash something.

Perhaps you could pop back and leave your address. The next time *I* feel the need to smash something, I'd be happy to come round to your place and smash something of yours.

Jez